MALICIOUS MERCENARIES

HIRING HALL · CONTRACT VILLAINS

Villains
for hire.

Malicious Mercenaries books contract villains the way a diner books the night shift: wanted posters on the wall, rate cards on the desk, coffee that has opinions. We only accept side quests.

See the postersRead the rate card
A brass-headed robot in a brown plaid suit and red tie sits behind a dented metal desk in a peeling yellow cinderblock hiring office, fluorescent lights and a cobwebbed ceiling fan overhead, eight WANTED dead-or-alive posters taped to the left wall, a corkboard map of Border Sector 7, coffee cups, ashtrays, and a handwritten Bounty Rates sign reading Solo 15%, Fire Team 25%, Extraction negotiable, cash only, no questions.
DISPATCHER ON DUTY · SECTOR 7

WANTED BOARD

Dead or alive is a billing code

Tape, coffee rings, and a red palm print we have not billed for. These contractors are available for side quests, looming, and tasteful property damage.

  1. WANTED · DEAD OR ALIVE

    PATCH-07

    BOUNTY 8,000¢ · LAST SEEN Border Sector 7

    Eyepatch optional, glare included. Steals the macguffin, leaves a carbon copy, bills travel through the sewer grate.

  2. WANTED · SIDE QUEST ONLY

    KIL DETTCH

    BOUNTY 8,000¢ · LAST SEEN The break-room kettle

    Will shave the plot for pocket change. Refuses main-quest doors. Excellent at looming. Terrible at small talk.

  3. WANTED · SILENT RATE

    MASK-2

    BOUNTY 2,000¢ + filters · LAST SEEN Border Sector 7

    Gas-mask contractor. Monologues cost extra. Will not remove the hood for photographs, autographs, or HR.

  4. WANTED · UNION BEARD

    THE BEARD BENCH

    BOUNTY 8,000¢ split four ways · LAST SEEN Whatever chair is free

    Four nearly identical beards. You pick who shows up. We pick who invoices. Comedy of errors is a line item.

Close view of the mercenary hiring desk: the brass robot dispatcher with glowing eyes reviews a clipboard beside coffee cups, an ashtray, a rolled contract, and the handwritten bounty-rate board, with WANTED posters and a sector map on the stained office wall behind.
CASH ONLY · NO QUESTIONS

RATE CARD

The sign on the desk is the contract

Solo fifteen. Fire team twenty-five. Extraction is a conversation held over the urn. We do not take the main quest. We do not take cards. We do take side quests, preferably before lunch.

  • SOLO15%One villain, one side quest, one receipt.
  • FIRE TEAM25%Two or more. Shared glare. Separate coffee.
  • EXTRACTIONNEGOTIABLEWe extract the subplot, not the planet.
  • CASHONLYNo questions. No retainers. No world-ending.
A scratched brass dog tag stamped MERC-04 UNIT 17 with a robotic hound head whose eyes glow yellow, lying beside a copper coin labeled PRIVATE CONTRACT PAYMENT DUE B-773 showing a skull in a beret crossed by a rifle and a wrench.

Side quests only

House rules from Unit 17

  • RULE 01

    We only accept side quests

    Main quests come back unopened, stamped RETURN TO HERO. Save the world on your own dime.

  • RULE 02

    Dead or alive is billing

    It is a rate category, not a threat. Most clients prefer 'mildly inconvenienced or slightly late.'

  • RULE 03

    Coffee is complimentary

    Loyalty is not. The urn has been on since Border Sector 6. Do not ask the dispatcher for oat milk.

A comedy hiring hall for contract villains, kept in The Robot Lives portfolio. No waitlist. No backend. Just posters, percentages, and the next side quest.

The Robot Lives